Dandy

Things I look forward to:
Giving Karrissa her Xmas present
Going to sleep

Many noises

It almost hurts how alike you are to me. We are both playing this twisted game with each other. My actions are you're actions. The consequences which are inflicted on you upon action can have some mental damage. Damage that neither of us can empathize with. That once in a blue moon comes when we do feel what we've inflicted upon each other and eats at the very soul that is said to exist. Our souls. Tainted, ruins of our souls. Nothing every quite bothered me as much as you do. You drive me absolutely fucking mad! It's cruel, this love-hate relationship that makes us claw at the hearts of each other. This was never supposed to have happened but it did and now too much time has passed that we cannot escape the cycle because we're yearning for earlier days.

Collateral Damage

It takes me 7 minutes to get stoned out of my mind.

The high

The loneliness is infinitely better to deal with. The long days don't seem to stretch on forever. I enjoy being alone and am less at ease around people. Not to say that I have no desire for human contact but rather I'm okay when there is none. The music in films stands out to me and I find myself focusing better. My mind wanders at times and thought loops will come and go. I've been able to clearly recognize my feelings and say what I mean without any fear. I am in a free and happy state. Relaxed and in control.

Dreams

I had a dream that one of Z's exes came around and was talking to me. When that they proceeded to have a private conversation and now I'm thinking I really need to get out of this relationship. I feel like this may be some kind of warning that things are not what they seem. I have been feeling that for a while. Its be so much easier to just disappear and not tell him anything...but he knows where I live.

Make Money

I've been feeling good lately. I went to ACL and it was amazing!  Flosstradamus was the best show I saw and  I also got my first tattoo. Relationship wise it's been iffy and I don't really know how it's going to continue. We argue in between seeing each other and we only see each other about once a week. I find myself thinking a lot about how were in the past instead of how we are now. I don't know things are really different.

Hallucinations

I don't know what I want to write but I was feeling very strongly about something earlier and now I'm just confused. I'm not getting as much attention as I want I guess and I'm getting even less indian food. So much happened in such a short amount of time and now almost a year has passed. A year will have passed since we met on the 7th. In October we started talking a lot and we went out together for the first time to a movie. The next day you invited me to your brothers birthday party and I told you I'd think about it. I let you know later that I'd go and it was the first time I went to the breakroom. Everyone thought we were dating and kept asking about us. I had three shots of fireball that night and it was the first time I had any alcohol since coming back from Sweden. By the end of the night we were holding each other and telling people we were dating when they asked. We did something in between your brothers birthday and Halloween but niether of us can remember what it was. It was the first time we kissed though and it was absolutely horrible because of how nervous I was. You asked if you were going to see me again and I replied "No probably not." Then Halloween came and we went to some party at someones house. I wanted to redeem myself from the awkward peck and it turned out much better. We were outside on the porch of the house talking to the meth heads and I surprised you with a kiss once they left. It felt really good and I think we were both pleasantly surprised. I wanted more from you that night than a kiss but you didn't quite get my hints. I should note also that even though we were seeing each other pretty frequently that we hadn't established that we were together yet. November 2nd we went to a cowboys game and you picked me up way later than you had said. I was convinced you had stood me up but you came and I was pretty happy. The game itself was boring but afterwards we went to the Mexican mall and it was one of the best things I've done. It brought back a flood of childhood memories. We got food and just enjoyed being together. Then we went back to your place and started making out. You were playing with my jeans and I said you could take them off. Then everying was set in motion and I remember the way you looked like it was yesterday. It was really fucking great and since that night it was pretty much agreed on that we were together. I can only remember good things in the beginning and then somehow insecurities started showing up. Lots of ups but lots of downs too...really bad lows. Now we're trying to revive what we had in the beginning and so far the sex is back to how it was. I feel like the feelings aren't all quite there. I don't know if we'll ever get back to it or it's all a lost caused. So much has happened and so much has changed. I hardly know whats stayed the same. You started telling me that you love me again. I don't know how honest things are between us though.

Lost

Lost

Bruce Banner

I felt so big then I felt so small
I wondered why I was feeling at all
I'm high as a kite I'm high as a kite (kite, kite, kite...)
I smoked some Bruce Banner and that shit was the best.

Voice

I can't explain why things are the way they are. For some reason even though I told myself I never would have kids, I feel compelled almost to accept that a very likely possibility when I'm with Zarni. I guess it's the chemistry between us, it's so strong. I just feel so strongly about him, even more strongly that I found about Kristoffer. I don't know why because maybe it is just the chemistry something about our genes is just matched up so intensely as to create healthy strong offspring. I really don't know no I just know the highs are high and the lows are low. I dont know why I want him so much it doesn't make any sense to me.

Late Night

I never seem to be successful in making more positive blog posts. I'm in a really weird relationship that has a "I don't give a fuck, couldn't care less about you" undertone to it. I'm at a point where I just want to say "Screw it, this relationship isn't worth it" but something holds me back. According to my [boyfriend] we are "easing back into it" whatever the fuck that means. I think whats really going on is that he's been talking/dating someone else. What really bugs me about things is that he says I mean so much to him but he was perfectly fine after our break up. Like no mourning for the relationship whatsoever. So he almost killed himself because a  past relationship ended that he said wasn't even serious but nothing for ours? I'm by no means saying I want him to feel like killing himself but he just seemed to not care at all. Like he seems to not care right now. Its aggrivating and I don't know what I'm doing myself. I'm just so uncomfortable with being lonely that I'd rather deal with the drama of this insane relationship. I really would just like a dog instead and then I think I'd be way happier.

Less, Much Less

I just have it in my mind right now that it I get a dog all my problems will go away. I can put my time into something more constructive and then I'll be happier. I'll also be less lonely, at least that's what I hope for. I've been talking to Zarni and we are kind of back together? We are "easing back into it" whatever the fuck that means. I'm kind of giving up on the 38th idea. I really just can't handle how different things are. I feel so isolated and alone that I've gone back to plan 37. Not my best plan by any means...probably my most reckless plan at that. Not only that but plan kb2 is turning out to be horrible. Another bad decision on my part that I should've put more thought into. I'm throwing that plan out completely because there's just nothing in it for me. Plan kb1 is okay as far as I know but I think I will just leave it as is and not complicate it with further details. I was really hoping the 38th idea would keep me motivated but if anything it's just depressed me. I have very little else to say about these matters right now.

Ranking

8 is the number

Like I Knew You

I'm kind of getting used to the being alone thing. It still sucks but I'm adjusting little by little. Kristoffer is sleeping with some indian chick and it pisses me off to think about it. I don't really want to talk to him now that I know its going on. I think I will just not respond to anyones texts for a couple of weeks. I don't know what I'm feeling, maybe just that it seems like everyone has forgotten about me.

But I Can't Let Go

It's weird to not see you on my newsfeed. I have no idea what you're up to or what you're thinking about. I really, really miss you. You didn't try to contact me at all after we talked this morning. I wasn't expecting that, at least not so soon. I still have your shirt and I'm still wearing it to bed. I wish it smelled like you but I've already cried a few times today so maybe I can't handle it. I have less a desire to eat than I did before. You've been on my mind all day. Could I take this all back and say I'd try again? Would you have it? Maybe we could work it out. Why am I so stuck on you? I'm really inlove with you, I've fallen really hard and I'm trying to fight it. I know what can happen when I care more for someone else to push aside my own dreams. I'm scared of the commitment that will ensue and I've pushed you away completely. I've tried to find fault in you and your ways to have a reason to leave. I'm scared and I'm full of doubt. I really do miss you though and I'm sorry you didn't know how much you mean to me. I know that for some reason, things that I normally have no interest in spark my interest if it could be with you. What happened to me when I met you? I have no idea but here I am, the one that put an end to it, but I'm here unable to sleep and tearing up at the thought of you at 4 in the morning.

Two Months Short of a Year

I'm laying here in my bed as I have been for hours now and I can't seem to come up with a name for this post. I know that I'll be talking about the relationship I just ended and even though I ended it, it's harder to deal with than I imagined. A trivial little thing that I noticed today is when all the feelings really set in. The numb, cold, hard shell broke away and now I too am coping with a loss. I feel very deeply for you still but it just couldn't continue going in the downward spiral that it was. It became unhealthy, for both of us. The good times were some of the best times and I'll never forget those. The day of the cowboys game and the first time to India Grill were all beautiful, special moments to me. It hurts to think about the things we did and won't be doing together. Deleting me as a friend on facebook really hit me and now I'm here writing about our relationship. It wasn't all wonderful though and we both were in the wrong at times. Maybe we could've fixed it but I don't think we could've with as many chances as we gave eachother. I think it would've always been this high and low relationship with the always present doubt in the back of my mind. I just couldn't fight it and I grew tired of trying to fight it. So, yes I did give up and I backed out. I will really miss you though and I'm happy that I ever met you. I'm really fighting the urge to contact you right now and I have my phone next to me hoping you'll reach out to me instead, but I know that it won't happen. I have to keep telling myself that this is whats best for me.

Stone Cold Sober

Can I go to school in Scotland? I think I'm going to compile a list of countries that I would like to live in/go to school in.

1. Scotland 
2. Norway
3. Sweden
4. Germany
5. China
6. Semester at sea

I will probably add more once I think of them but for now thats all I've come up with. This has been a very calm weekend for me but I've managed to put my room together. I'm wondering how this year will be and what things will change. I wonder what this new campus will be like and if I'll make any friends. I say this all the time but I really do want to get back into music, I have so much free time. I could spend hours practicing and maybe get better. I guess that could be a goal for me this year. How will the holidays be? Last Christmas was depressing and horrifying for me. I got super drunk and high that night, and it was also discovered that I was lactating. That little issue is still going on and I'd love to go to the doctor but a lack of insurance holds me back. I think I will try to get some sleep now since no one has attempted to call me tonight. 

I Still Know Where I've Been

My favorite song right now is called Peaks and Troughs by We Were Promised Jetpacks, it's really great. The lyrics are just so perfect and I really like the voice of the singer. The band is from Scotland and the accent comes through with certain words and it's just so nice. I never realized how much I liked the scottish accent before.

I've been sleeping around for your house all week

Slowly edging yourself closer to me

And I've been keeping a safe distance, I didn't need

I'm stone cold sober and I still don't wanna go

And I'll try to forgive, and I'm trying to forget

And a constant reminder I'm a bee with a buzz

And I've wiped the slate clean, I still know where I've been

It all tumbles above, and I peaked and I troughed

And I learn to forgive you and I'll try to forget

That we grew up that summer we grew arms, we grew legs

Like a Bee With a Buzz

I've created a new blog so I can start writing about my life more regularly. My main goal for this blog is for it to help me realize things about myself and help me become a better person. I want to work on my very poor, underdeveloped communiation skills because of how largely it's affected my relationship. I also want to work on learning to forgive and trusting others. I will go into a little about myself now and the type of person I currently am. I'm nineteen years old and very unsure of every decision I make. I'm very anxious all of the time and at the moment my life is going in no particular direction. I have high hopes for myself but things get very confusing and at times I'm completely aware of what I want, other times I'm not so sure. It gets frustrating to be so indecisive but I manage to figure things out eventually. Actually, things just kind of happen or fall into place and then I'm really just forced to go with it. So, in a sense I guess I don't figure anything out and the universe just works on it's own. I don't think I believe in 'fate' or 'destiny' because how could my whole life be predetermined? I don't like that idea because my life could go so many ways and there are so many choices that I had to make that have led me to exactly where I am now. It's very complicated for me to think about. There will always be the 'what if's' and there won't ever be answer to it. My absolute favorite movie touches on this subject a bit. The circumstances are different because it's a movie and it has a plot but the general idea really resonates with me.

The Oracle: Do you see her die?

Neo: No.

The Oracle: You have the sight now, Neo. You are looking at the world without time.

Neo: Then why can't I see what happens to her?

The Oracle: We can never see past the choices we don't understand.

Neo: Are you saying I have to choose whether Trinity lives or dies?

The Oracle: No, you've already made the choice. Now you have to understand it.

Like I said before I don't really think I buy into the idea of  'destiny' but this makes a lot of sense to me. The whole movie is fantastic, the idea of it anyways. I agree that the sequals are cheesy but the idea as a whole is still great. It's the little things about the movie and the things they say that really gets me. It just makes so much sense and it's rare that a movie really touches me or makes me think for so long. I can always connect my life with a quote from the movies. It's just so much more than what people see. It goes way beyond the story meant to capture your attention, theres so much meaning hidden inside of it, it's really beautiful.