Sound of Silence

I was deleting a history that didn't mean anything to me

World of distractions keeping me the same
For all the time lost
I'm the one to blame
Indeed I hoped
And slept through the days
Ran from the path
But then I awoke

The Trade Off

When Jes and I are not together we trade off in suffering. It's so weird but it really is a trade off. One suffers and then we trade to give the other a break. All completely out of our control but it happens just the same.

Human hands

I'm proud of myself for getting out of bed and going to this job interview when I really feel like killing myself.

Glass

I pushed him away so quickly because his was the only love that terrified me. It all started when I began to think of forever and I knew there never would be one.

The Gray Area

Sometimes I feel completely lost when it comes to love. In reality, how do any of us know anything? How do you know love? If every time feels the same, is it love? What if every time feels different? And when you finally feel that you know; how do you know that you didn't only convince yourself of it? I like being a selfish person and in knowing that, I've come to also learn that I hate being in relationships. I hate the idea of love and happily ever afters and yet my body betrays me. Time and time again, with emotional responses. Now I yearn for a voice and a touch. It's the dynamic of it that terrifies me. Living with someone else is learning all sorts of things about the other person. I imagine it to be exhausting. What do I do anything for? I'm so confused even by my own mind. Everything is so complex and riddled at times that it's too much for me. Too much to accept and comprehend all at once but it will never stop. It's at these times that I feel my age and I understand just how young I am. I feel small and insignificant in life experiences. I really know very little about the world and that's when I wonder if you think that I'm more than I am.

Mirror

Sometimes I scare myself.

Predictable

There was a time when I was blinded by those things
I thought I wanted them and to a degree I did enjoy them
However I found out what sex could be. Found that it could be more than just what it was. It could be love. Real, true love. It could be the ongoing universe inside a moment of eye contact. It could be all the answers to the world. And you would know once you found it because you'd never search again for it in the world or anyone else.

Four Five Sixteen

I feel very moody today and on top of that I'm completely broke. I have seven dollars and fifty-two cents in my bank. I'm honestly very disappointed in myself as this is a result of reckless spending. I feel like that's all that I am sometimes, reckless. I finally woke up today in a decent mood but as the day progressed I became more and more agitated. The days alternate between anger and depression. I even wonder now if xxyz and I can even live together. If theres a will theres a way but the fact that I've never lived on my own worries me. I worry that us living together will eventually lead me to grow tired of him. Why am I like this? It's like I really want to be the one but never will be but it's myself that's in the way. At the same time I honestly think that my hormones just don't give me a fucking break and thats the real cause of all of this. When will they mellow out? I literally feel like I'm going crazy sometimes with all the emotions I experience.

Maybe

Maybe we need the distance. I feel like I cause more problems visiting than I solve. My only reason for coming to Houston is always just to visit xxyz and I feel like things have gotten so complicated. This is a very complicated relationship and I feel like the days are fickle. I thought we'd be more cuddly but it feels like he doesn't want me to touch him. I could be wrong but that's anything issue all in itself. I can't tell if something is wrong or not. We both have hardly said anything today or yesterday. Days like this make me really think it's destined to fail. I am here not really for any gain of my own but just so other people can reach what they couldn't before. Both a rewarding and a lonely existence. I feel like sometimes I'll never be happy. I feel happiness though at different times but only a handful of moments, most of them with xxyz. Its a confusing time. Maybe I am too young for this and the comprehension level is far beyond that which I possess. It's hard to say for sure though, there just never really is a way to know anything. I do feel like a burden though so it's probably for the best that I won't be coming back for a while. That's what hurts though is that he wanted me to come but now I feel like a burden. I have so many things to consider and so much to analyze. I try to be really grateful for the things that have happened to me but it's a struggle to stay positive.

I have to write it down

The curve of the road
And the smile that's burnt into my mind
We have this moment forever
A flickering light

As

You can say all of you want about the things you did as a kid

Porno

I just realized how bad porn is. I want to write a song about it. I have come to the conclusion that I have no musical skill after hearing my cousin's music. What can I do?

Heartbeat

My heart was beating pretty fast just now and I had a minor breakdown. It came from nowhere but it was muted. I couldn't feel all that it was because I simple cannot feel anything. I'm scared as to what this might mean. It crept up on me and took me in and now here I am. Am I someone different now? I may have lost myself. I thought I was becoming myself again but this feeling has made me question it all. I might be dead and I haven't realized it yet. I feel so tired...and maybe it's that I'm so exhausted that I can't cope with feeling any emotions right now. I feel nothing but the occasional nausea. In fact it feels as if I might throw up. I feel so lost right now. What's happening to me?

Moody

I'm honestly feeling so needy right now. I want some attention but days are busy. I have some fear of me going to Houston again. I wish I didn't care what my parents thought so much.

Damn

I feel so dismissed...I didn't get as much attention as I wanted. Maybe I'm too needy...this is so complicated and confusing.

Fuck

I miss Jes like crazy right now. I feel like I'm having withdrawals or something. I feel so anxious I can hardly take it.

Analytical Bullshit

Nice at your own demise
How many phone calls are okay
But eat away at you

Hydro update 3

Went to I hope but started feeling really nauseous and threw up in a paper bag. Left a huge mess and didn't get food. Jaheir is on his way to get me my beloved Jack in the box. Started getting paranoid that I was about to die if I fell asleep. Took a shower and sobered up. Possible sex tonight. This was an opioid and it felt so great. This is very dangerous so I will not be doing this again or at least for some time. The only thing I can think to say to describe it as that it just feels "good," that's all there really is to it. I think the Tylenol is honest what fucked me up. I read it's way easier to overdose on that then on hydrcodone. Regardless I feel better and I'm about to eat. This is so crazy and I can't believe everyone isn't annoyed with me honestly.

Hydro J

20 mg he said when he moves he no longer feels motion.
Proceeded to take 5mg more
1:44 am he is very paranoid

Laurens current dosage 10mg
After 15mg
1:44 no change
Feel mildly high. Just painless b it not out of this world. Practically sober.

Hydro

Sobered me up from my marijuana high
Messed up texting
Then started messing up speech "osman/otchman"
Dose 2tsp

Eyelids

We are feeling the same feelings
I'm inconsolable
I don't know what to do
Nothing has ever been as deep
Nothing has ever pulled me faster to sleep
Revolution but I am stuck
I feel nothing
I want us to be but I'm in doubt
Shadow come and shadow walk
Spinning out
Form the last line
Form the last lie
We are falling
We are falling
We are falling
We are falling
Stop me
Kiss me

Forbidden fruit

Let me think
Know how to react
I've done all I can do
Can't take it back
Ancestry here I come
I broke the rules
In the room without walls
I focus you
I wanted you
Search inside of me
Trace me down
And I'll fight with you
Track me down
And I'll lay with you
Fickle, mind
Tragic, I panic