The Trade Off

When Jes and I are not together we trade off in suffering. It's so weird but it really is a trade off. One suffers and then we trade to give the other a break. All completely out of our control but it happens just the same.

Human hands

I'm proud of myself for getting out of bed and going to this job interview when I really feel like killing myself.

Glass

I pushed him away so quickly because his was the only love that terrified me. It all started when I began to think of forever and I knew there never would be one.

The Gray Area

Sometimes I feel completely lost when it comes to love. In reality, how do any of us know anything? How do you know love? If every time feels the same, is it love? What if every time feels different? And when you finally feel that you know; how do you know that you didn't only convince yourself of it? I like being a selfish person and in knowing that, I've come to also learn that I hate being in relationships. I hate the idea of love and happily ever afters and yet my body betrays me. Time and time again, with emotional responses. Now I yearn for a voice and a touch. It's the dynamic of it that terrifies me. Living with someone else is learning all sorts of things about the other person. I imagine it to be exhausting. What do I do anything for? I'm so confused even by my own mind. Everything is so complex and riddled at times that it's too much for me. Too much to accept and comprehend all at once but it will never stop. It's at these times that I feel my age and I understand just how young I am. I feel small and insignificant in life experiences. I really know very little about the world and that's when I wonder if you think that I'm more than I am.

Mirror

Sometimes I scare myself.

Predictable

There was a time when I was blinded by those things
I thought I wanted them and to a degree I did enjoy them
However I found out what sex could be. Found that it could be more than just what it was. It could be love. Real, true love. It could be the ongoing universe inside a moment of eye contact. It could be all the answers to the world. And you would know once you found it because you'd never search again for it in the world or anyone else.

Four Five Sixteen

I feel very moody today and on top of that I'm completely broke. I have seven dollars and fifty-two cents in my bank. I'm honestly very disappointed in myself as this is a result of reckless spending. I feel like that's all that I am sometimes, reckless. I finally woke up today in a decent mood but as the day progressed I became more and more agitated. The days alternate between anger and depression. I even wonder now if xxyz and I can even live together. If theres a will theres a way but the fact that I've never lived on my own worries me. I worry that us living together will eventually lead me to grow tired of him. Why am I like this? It's like I really want to be the one but never will be but it's myself that's in the way. At the same time I honestly think that my hormones just don't give me a fucking break and thats the real cause of all of this. When will they mellow out? I literally feel like I'm going crazy sometimes with all the emotions I experience.