But I Can't Let Go

It's weird to not see you on my newsfeed. I have no idea what you're up to or what you're thinking about. I really, really miss you. You didn't try to contact me at all after we talked this morning. I wasn't expecting that, at least not so soon. I still have your shirt and I'm still wearing it to bed. I wish it smelled like you but I've already cried a few times today so maybe I can't handle it. I have less a desire to eat than I did before. You've been on my mind all day. Could I take this all back and say I'd try again? Would you have it? Maybe we could work it out. Why am I so stuck on you? I'm really inlove with you, I've fallen really hard and I'm trying to fight it. I know what can happen when I care more for someone else to push aside my own dreams. I'm scared of the commitment that will ensue and I've pushed you away completely. I've tried to find fault in you and your ways to have a reason to leave. I'm scared and I'm full of doubt. I really do miss you though and I'm sorry you didn't know how much you mean to me. I know that for some reason, things that I normally have no interest in spark my interest if it could be with you. What happened to me when I met you? I have no idea but here I am, the one that put an end to it, but I'm here unable to sleep and tearing up at the thought of you at 4 in the morning.

Two Months Short of a Year

I'm laying here in my bed as I have been for hours now and I can't seem to come up with a name for this post. I know that I'll be talking about the relationship I just ended and even though I ended it, it's harder to deal with than I imagined. A trivial little thing that I noticed today is when all the feelings really set in. The numb, cold, hard shell broke away and now I too am coping with a loss. I feel very deeply for you still but it just couldn't continue going in the downward spiral that it was. It became unhealthy, for both of us. The good times were some of the best times and I'll never forget those. The day of the cowboys game and the first time to India Grill were all beautiful, special moments to me. It hurts to think about the things we did and won't be doing together. Deleting me as a friend on facebook really hit me and now I'm here writing about our relationship. It wasn't all wonderful though and we both were in the wrong at times. Maybe we could've fixed it but I don't think we could've with as many chances as we gave eachother. I think it would've always been this high and low relationship with the always present doubt in the back of my mind. I just couldn't fight it and I grew tired of trying to fight it. So, yes I did give up and I backed out. I will really miss you though and I'm happy that I ever met you. I'm really fighting the urge to contact you right now and I have my phone next to me hoping you'll reach out to me instead, but I know that it won't happen. I have to keep telling myself that this is whats best for me.

Stone Cold Sober

Can I go to school in Scotland? I think I'm going to compile a list of countries that I would like to live in/go to school in.

1. Scotland 
2. Norway
3. Sweden
4. Germany
5. China
6. Semester at sea

I will probably add more once I think of them but for now thats all I've come up with. This has been a very calm weekend for me but I've managed to put my room together. I'm wondering how this year will be and what things will change. I wonder what this new campus will be like and if I'll make any friends. I say this all the time but I really do want to get back into music, I have so much free time. I could spend hours practicing and maybe get better. I guess that could be a goal for me this year. How will the holidays be? Last Christmas was depressing and horrifying for me. I got super drunk and high that night, and it was also discovered that I was lactating. That little issue is still going on and I'd love to go to the doctor but a lack of insurance holds me back. I think I will try to get some sleep now since no one has attempted to call me tonight. 

I Still Know Where I've Been

My favorite song right now is called Peaks and Troughs by We Were Promised Jetpacks, it's really great. The lyrics are just so perfect and I really like the voice of the singer. The band is from Scotland and the accent comes through with certain words and it's just so nice. I never realized how much I liked the scottish accent before.

I've been sleeping around for your house all week

Slowly edging yourself closer to me

And I've been keeping a safe distance, I didn't need

I'm stone cold sober and I still don't wanna go

And I'll try to forgive, and I'm trying to forget

And a constant reminder I'm a bee with a buzz

And I've wiped the slate clean, I still know where I've been

It all tumbles above, and I peaked and I troughed

And I learn to forgive you and I'll try to forget

That we grew up that summer we grew arms, we grew legs

Like a Bee With a Buzz

I've created a new blog so I can start writing about my life more regularly. My main goal for this blog is for it to help me realize things about myself and help me become a better person. I want to work on my very poor, underdeveloped communiation skills because of how largely it's affected my relationship. I also want to work on learning to forgive and trusting others. I will go into a little about myself now and the type of person I currently am. I'm nineteen years old and very unsure of every decision I make. I'm very anxious all of the time and at the moment my life is going in no particular direction. I have high hopes for myself but things get very confusing and at times I'm completely aware of what I want, other times I'm not so sure. It gets frustrating to be so indecisive but I manage to figure things out eventually. Actually, things just kind of happen or fall into place and then I'm really just forced to go with it. So, in a sense I guess I don't figure anything out and the universe just works on it's own. I don't think I believe in 'fate' or 'destiny' because how could my whole life be predetermined? I don't like that idea because my life could go so many ways and there are so many choices that I had to make that have led me to exactly where I am now. It's very complicated for me to think about. There will always be the 'what if's' and there won't ever be answer to it. My absolute favorite movie touches on this subject a bit. The circumstances are different because it's a movie and it has a plot but the general idea really resonates with me.

The Oracle: Do you see her die?

Neo: No.

The Oracle: You have the sight now, Neo. You are looking at the world without time.

Neo: Then why can't I see what happens to her?

The Oracle: We can never see past the choices we don't understand.

Neo: Are you saying I have to choose whether Trinity lives or dies?

The Oracle: No, you've already made the choice. Now you have to understand it.

Like I said before I don't really think I buy into the idea of  'destiny' but this makes a lot of sense to me. The whole movie is fantastic, the idea of it anyways. I agree that the sequals are cheesy but the idea as a whole is still great. It's the little things about the movie and the things they say that really gets me. It just makes so much sense and it's rare that a movie really touches me or makes me think for so long. I can always connect my life with a quote from the movies. It's just so much more than what people see. It goes way beyond the story meant to capture your attention, theres so much meaning hidden inside of it, it's really beautiful.